I am glad that we have finally moved the clocks back one hour.  I feel rested and my biological time flow is in synch with time.  I hate to spring ahead.  I am not pro-daylight savings time.  It always messes my sense of balance up. I like time to move on its own natural course.  It is getting dark early in the evening and that is cool with me.

My birthday is this weekend.  I usually have a quiet celebration that consists of spending time with family, having a meal and enjoying the attention that is lavished on me during our gathering.  This year my birthday seems to be taking a different direction.

When I arrived home from work there was a set of CD’s inside of my mail box and a simple notecard with a Happy Birthday greeting from a friend.  Then I was surprised by a gift from a friend of mine that I’ve never met.  We know each other on-line and claim kinship because we think a like on many issues.  It is a beautiful wall hanging that I really like.  that was definitely a surprise!

I am taking Monday off from work.  I need a break.  I will spending time shopping for an outfit to wear to my oldest son’s wedding next month.  I’m excited about this event!  I am glad to know that he has finally decided to cement the relationship he has maintained for almost a decade.  I’m thinking that this is going to be a fun event.  I am looking forward to spending the day with family and friends in celebration.

I’ve been busy writing my life story on another site.  I haven’t decided whether or not to make those posts permanent yet.  I believe that if I can produce a decent volume of work the cost to make it available after my life is over will be well worth it.  It has been challenging trying to decide what to share and how to share my thoughts on different aspects of my life.

 

We had a Harvest Party at the center where I work.  There was a glut of candy, cookies, cupcakes and assorted other junk food for the children.  I couldn’t believe how eager parents were to make a contribution to this particular event.  They came with bags filled with treats to give their wee people a sugar high that they are not likely to forget soon.

I don’t have a problem with hosting parties at work.  It is difficult for children who spend hours at a childcare center to participate in some of the events that are mass popular.  They cannot sign out and head home to participate in events like trick or treat.  I can only assume that this glut of treats was the parents way to let their little ones know that they were thinking about them while they were they apart.

I find this over compensation to be a bit disturbing.  I sent home an At Home Math activity sheet this week and my parents had the hardest time returning the paper with their child.  Even though they are the ones who requested that we take time to prepare something for them to work with their child.  The parents that forgot to return the sheet remembered to bring in a lot of candy or assorted other items. 

When we set up parent conferences we will have a hard time getting  of them in to see how their child is progressing.  We will have a difficult time getting some of them to spend five minutes reading to their child.  Or just listening to them share what has happened during the day.  

I wish that some of the parents that we service would pay as much attention to their child/children’s education as they do to holiday treats.  That would be a really nice change for all of us.

I am sitting here trying to absorb some disturbing news.  I refuse to air out dirty laundry in such a public venue.  That is not the reason why I have created Blogging Elsewhere.  Since it’s not really my dirt to expose, I have to keep it close to my heart.  Work my way around it.  Open up and let what can be removed from my thoughts-go.  Otherwise, I will never get any rest.  And if there one thing that I definitely need is rest.

When smart people do sincerely careless and stupid things-there’s nothing that can be said or done to make it right.

Putting sugar over shit doesn’t make it smell or seem any better.  There’s no way to cover it over or to wind back the clock to change decisions that were made.  This reality of life is one that has the bite of a pitbull.  It has sunk its teeth into my thoughts and it has proceeded to dig in.  I cannot even yell or fight back.  All I can do is numb myself for a moment.  A luxury that is only mine for a few hours.  I have to be full aware and functional in a few hours. Prepared to step up and deliver for the day.

Today was supposed to be one in which my balance would be reset.  I refuse to stand down off of that attempt.  If I have to loose sleep or sit up all night-so be it.  But in reality, I cannot let myself get too caught up in what’s happening.  It is not a situation that I created.  I am only a part of the equation by default.  So it should be easy for me to step back and let it be.  However, that isn’t happening-at least not at this moment.  Instead I’m sitting here with my fingers moving across the keyboard of my notebook as if this is the most important moment of my life.  I know that it is just one of many that have occurred.  It is just one of many that have yet to unfold. 

Just taking the time to air out this portion of my feelings has made me feel a little more relaxed.  That is a good thing because I don’t want to be functioning on a high level of tension.  I need to be calm and in control of my wits.  Losing perspective right along now is not a part of my personal plans.  I came home from work on Friday with a determination to be more in synch with the peaceful and calm side of myself.  That is a goal that I refuse to let myself be removed from.

It is going to be a long night.  Even if the hours pass by quickly before it is time to get up and head out.  When things suddenly blow up and start to swirl around it is not easy to re-capture them.  How in the hell do you close off a situation that has already altered so many lives?  I don’t have an answer for this question.  There is no easy fix for this dilemma.  All I have is the desire to continue moving in the direction that I am headed in.  That’s all I can do for the moment.

While the stench circulates around me.  I have to continue pressing on to the mark that I set for myself.

I’ve been on an inner peace making mission today.  After spending weeks dealing with racially charged issues, I had finally had my fill of negativity.  I ended up cussing out a racist who made a couple of  crazy comments on two of my blog posts. 

Being the BBB woman that I am (Black Baby Boomer) having a direct confrontation with oppositional forces is nothing new.  I expected that sooner or later one of them would come rolling through onto my site.  Just like they tended to do whenever we were on the streets engaged in anti-racist activity. 

This particular man made me really angry because he comes across as a wannabee bad ass.  I had written about a sista being beaten by a White male down in Georgia at a Cracker Barrel in Morrow.  His conclusion for this racist/sexist action was basically-all women of color needed to be beaten down by White males.  Of course, I’m not using the language that he used to express this thought. 

I don’t know why it is so difficult for racist to understand that after hearing the “N” word in all of it’s different forms during my  life time, using it does not have the impact they think that it does.  That is not the comment that pissed me off, it was the “in your place” part.  That’s old school Southern belief.  One that I’ve never been able to wrap my head around.  His remarks sounded like a punk ass version of a slave master.  I’m not the one for that nonsense.  So, I fired back on him with a set of very nasty remarks of my own.  I said what I meant and I meant what I said. 

This highly charged atmosphere is dangerous.  Especially for those who are afraid.  I’m not fearful because to me, it is just history repeating itself within this nation.  Our society has to open up to re-adjust our attitudes and definitions of what American will mean in this century.  That was going to happen whether Obama was elected or not.  A matter of fact that seems to elude those who do not know this nation’s story. 

Those who hold the belief that returning to the past is the way to go-need to really get a clue.  We cannot go backwards because too many of us are accustomed to moving forward.  Whether we go with them or without them seems to be the point where we honestly are at.  All of this red baiting and undercover racism isn’t going to do what they think it will.  It might spark violence.  But, this is a violent society anyway.  It also doesn’t say much about our collective ability to peacefully work out our differences.

I’m always for the high road first.  That’s what a civilized group of people turn to in times of duress.  I’m also pro armed struggle if it is required.  Not as an act of aggression but as one of defense.  I am just hoping that we as a nation of people do not have to resort to this option.  Only a damn fool would believe that if a race war actually broke out that this nation would roll back without any more resistance.  Killing people who are different won’t change reality for the nation. 

What really knocks me out is the belief that God is on their side in this issue.  This totally contradicts the basic tenants of creation.  While they might want to believe that God did not have a greater vision in mind, we are here and so our other colored counterparts.  Each of our respective ethnic backgrounds have been spawned from great civilizations that stood since the beginning of time.  A matter of fact that they cannot kill off.  Nor will they ever be able to totally conceal this reality.  The truth will rise up and tell its own story in due time and due season.

I had to rid myself of the anger.  That wasn’t easy.  I spent the earlier years of my life being angry within this nation. After spending my youth looking at my people being assaulted and murdered here, I had a lot of issues with this nation’s attitudes.  Issues that I had to learn to work around while working on at the same time.  I survived and progressed in spite of all the obstacles that stood before me.  Now they want us to go backwards?  Not really.  If  I had to rollback to the place they wanted me to occupy in this society-there would be a problem. Not just for me-but for them as well.  There is nothing that lights a fire like a dream deferred. 

They should remember what we learned while growing up.  God gave Moses the rainbow sign.  No more water but fire the next time.  Either you understand this or you don’t.  But if the fuse is lit this time-we all will discover that what we have in common is the losses we will all experience.