What is the magic that midnight holds? Is it the indigo evening gown that Lady Night spreads over the skyline? Or is it the moments of quiet that spread across the city like a blanket?
I’ve never been able to figure out what it is about this particular hour that is so alluring. Why does it seem to have the power to draw me into its endless moments of darkness?
Some of my most profound moments of recognition have come during this time of the night.
I have been able to see miles and miles ahead of where I am. Or miles that I have already traveled. With a 20/20 clarity that often stuns my senses with the brilliance that radiates during those moments.
Tonight I am sitting here thinking about the past three weeks. This road has been difficult for me. I’m taking a unkown journey as a daughter. My dad passed and it has been so difficult for me to fully embrace those feelings of sadness and loss. They exist and I cannot act like they are not present. They are not going to allow me to ignore the reality of why they exist.
I know that they will not be as sharp and piercing forever. At least I am hoping this is the case. These past three Thursdays have begun with the moment I received a call from my sister. A glance at the calendar to remind myself that his renewal in the spirit is his re-birth day. While the time I have marked in mine to mourn.
This is how my midnight hours have been spent. Trying to handle feelings that I have never known within my lifetime. I realize now that this is the first time during my lifetime that my dad is not here.
I could not be selfish enough to hinder him from leaving. His body was filled with pain. That hurt me too. I found myself questioning who was that man lying on the bed, fragile and suffering? Even though he was my father, I realized that he had already begun to move away each day that he was ill. He was slowly letting go and it was obvious that he needed the release.
There are moments when it does not seem like anything has changed. I keep thinking that I can just pick up the phone and talk to him. Or go visit him and see his smile when we greet. Those are my memories now and I want them to be stronger than the pain that seems to well up daily.
In time there will be another midnight when these feelings will be distant. I will sit and think about the moment when we laughed and talked. When he would reassure me that it would be alright.
I’m looking forward to those moments.
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